


Longing

by Yuu_no_hu



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ...yet, Canon Compliant, Dean isn't really there, Drabble, I don't know if there will be any later, Internal Monologue, M/M, No Sexual Content, POV Castiel, POV First Person, POV Sam Winchester, Sassy, Sastiel - Freeform, Takes place in season 4-5, for now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 04:59:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/987959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuu_no_hu/pseuds/Yuu_no_hu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I want you to trust me, Cas. I-I can't keep going on like this, knowing that I'm as good as a monster in your eyes. I want to be good enough to be able to stand by your side and not be afraid that you still hate me.<br/>~<br/>Sam is confusing to me, I don't yet understand why he is doing these things. I am not able to fix this situation; I do not know where it was that I went wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Longing

I think Dean was scared of you the first time you met, which was why he didn’t want to tell me about the angels that were visiting him on the sly. He didn’t want to get my hopes any higher, because he knew it would be hard to kill them - and you - if he had to do it later. And, of course, once I met you my hopes couldn’t help but rise exactly like he’d feared. Although, I could never help but notice that it wasn’t you who tried to crush them. You didn’t want to hurt him, or me I guess.  
But the others like you, they still want us pressed into their molds, crushed and dead and not us anymore.  
I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you for trying so hard to neither confirm or deny if my hopes had justification back then, you just tried to stay on the issue and turned our requests down as blandly as possible. I haven’t seen any angel handle things as gracefully since then.

But it’s always been that nothing is ever really as pure as it seems, and I’m sorry for trying to make you something you aren’t, even if you might not have noticed how we viewed you back then. But god, angels. There has never been anything quite like finding out that there are angels. Real angels.

Cas, I was so happy to realize that you were there.

You’ve hated me for a while, even after you learned how to trust him you still didn’t like me, and I know that it’s because I was running away from you, falling down that steep spiral staircase that leads away from everything I’ve ever wanted.  
Of course, I didn’t realize any of that back then. 

Sometimes I think of running again, falling down those stairs and not pathetically trying to crawl up them again later; it’s not always the thoughts of what it would do to him, what losing him would do to me, that stops me from doing it. Sometimes, when I really think about it, it’s you. It’s the thought that maybe, if I can prove that I’m worthy; that I’m good enough to deserve it, then you’ll start trusting me like you’ve come to trust my brother.  
Dean.  
I know how much you approve of him; that much more than you ever care to think of me.  
Sometimes I wonder if he knows exactly how what he does affects me, affects all of us.  
Sometimes I think that maybe it could be possible, someday, for you to acknowledge me as much as you do Dean.  
If you could trust me, believe that I’m worth it despite my fallbacks... I might actually start to believe in that too, if you just said it first.

...I don’t know if I even really deserve to trust myself anymore, I mean, you’ve seen the things that I’ve done. None of it is redeemable. I was turning into a monster. A monster, Cas. I can’t go through that again.  
I can’t... I wonder if I can even keep going on like this. I need you to... To approve of me. You don’t need to trust me, you don’t have to tell me anything you wouldn’t tell to Dean but... If you could just acknowledge that I’m here, that we’re even on the same side...  
I want... What I want, really want, what I’ll never tell you; Cas, is that if... Maybe you... You maybe could learn to do more then trust me, if you can. That would be... 

Unrealistic. 

But really, Cas, that’s what I want. I want you. I’m sorry; this was never what I planned, I just wanted to know that you were real; but now... Cas, I just want you.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, um...
> 
> Hi, I wrote this about a year or so ago (gosh, so long!) And it's only ever been read by one person other than me -it's been edited and updated since then; but it's essentially the same.
> 
> Thank you for reading! I'm sorry the chapters are short, it was almost entirely written in between when I watched the episodes that inspired this and going to bed.
> 
> Critiques are welcome! Comment! Let me know where I messed up! But please be just a little bit gentle(this is my first time), I'm not accustomed to handling harsher feedback... ^-^;


End file.
